'Dr. Ruth of the autistic community' talks about love and dating

The precarious dance of dating and sex can be tough for anyone to navigate. 

But when the potential partners miss social cues, crave familiar routines, and are socially awkward, an otherwise romantic evening can feel like torture.   

Enter Amy Gravino, 35, who has dubbed herself the Dr. Ruth of the autistic community.

The Montclair resident is working on a memoir, "The Naughty Autie," about her escapades in the dating world as a woman living with autism.  

"It's like 'Sex And the City' but with someone on the spectrum," she said, likening herself to Carrie Bradshaw, minus the impeccable social skills.

She hopes her book will offer insight to individuals with autism on the dating scene. 

For starters, she suggests that people on the spectrum try not to come on too strong: "If you've just met, telling someone you really like them puts a lot of pressure on that person. Give it time." She notes that it's not uncommon for men on the spectrum to be accused of "stalking" when they believe they're just being friendly or romantic. 

Autism affects development of the brain in areas governing social interaction, communication and cognitive function. Individuals with autism typically have trouble with verbal and non-verbal communication, social interaction and play activities, according to the National Autism Association. Some exhibit repetitive behaviors.  

Autism spectrum disorder affects about 1 of every 68 children, but the prevalence is higher in New Jersey — 1 in 38 children, according to a report released Thursday by the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 

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The severity ranges from mild challenges to impairments that sharply limit everyday activities.   

New Jersey has effectively responded to the challenge of having the highest autism rate in the country, said Suzanne Buchanan, executive director of Autism NJ, an advocacy network based in Robbinsville. 

"We've gotten better in recent years at identifying children at younger ages and linking them to the services they need," she said, adding that more progress is needed for adults. 

April has been designated Autism Awareness Month, a time for education and offering living examples of hope and tolerance. Buchanan praised Gravino for speaking out and called her "one of a few people willing to speak candidly about her challenges."  

When Gravino entered her first serious relationship during college, she says, she had no idea what to do, so she tried to mimic the girlfriends she saw on TV. In retrospect, she realizes, "I just needed to be myself." 

That mistake is frequently made by her peers on the spectrum, she says.

"Sometimes when you like someone, you want to do things for them, including changing who you are so they will like you better. This is exhausting, and unfair both to you and to them. Be who you are, because nobody else can do that." 

Relationship disaster

After college, Gravino fell for a man she had met online, a waiter who was two years her junior. She thought it was true love so, acting impulsively, she moved across the country to be near his Seattle home.

Within a few months, she discovered he had a mean streak and a girlfriend, who left insulting messages on her phone.

Today Gravino is a wiser woman for that catastrophe. "I had to learn the hard way. I was inexperienced and vulnerable. I loved too deeply." 

She is now more careful about whom she dates and is mindful not to rush into anything. "I have more confidence now," she said. "I can afford to be picky."

A public speaker, she works as a certified college coach for students on the spectrum through the Fairfield-based company she founded, ASCOT Consulting. She is also on the board of directors of "Yes She Can," which does job training for women on the spectrum.  

She has spoken twice on United Nations panels on World Autism Awareness Day. At her most recent address, on April 5, she spoke about empowering women with autism and noted that women, in particular, are frequently targets of bullying.  

Gravino is somewhat of an expert on that topic.

Bullied in school 

She was bullied through elementary, middle and high school by her peers, who called her "ugly, freak and loser." They mocked her for being different because her disability made her impulsive, anxious, awkward and extremely sensitive to noise and smell. On at least one occasion, they urged her to kill herself. 

She desperately tried to fit in by adopting mannerisms of other girls in her class. But it never worked. Nobody would be her friend.  

Her parents were concerned about her meltdowns and took her to various specialists who were perplexed. But one day, the 11-year-old ended up at the Child Psychology Department of Stony Brook University on Long Island, where she was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. 

The label itself didn't change anything. "I already knew I was different even when I didn't know what autism was. And I knew that different was bad." It would take her years to understand what autism was, and even longer to not hate it and hate herself, she said. 

She points out that many girls are never diagnosed with autism because they are able to mask their symptoms. 

Low expectations are a constant challenge for people on the spectrum. Experts told her parents she would never graduate from high school, but she eventually earned a master's degree in applied behavior analysis.

"The only way you can understand it [autism] is by talking to an autistic person and learning their story and learning that everyone's story is different." 

Today she speaks to audiences internationally and runs a successful business. She says autism is very much a part of her identity and something she is proud of.

Yet in many ways, she's just another 30-something in search of true love.

'Love and sex are messy'

"There's an unfortunate stereotype that perpetuates that people with autism are incapable of love, cannot give love or show love. And this is simply not true. We are, quite frankly, full of love." 

Individuals who live with autism are human beings with "personalities, passions, strength and challenges that are both tied to and so much more than our neurology," she said. 

And they are sexual beings just like everyone else, she said.  

"Parents need to let us get our hearts broken. But often parents are afraid to let their autistic children make mistakes," she said.

"Love and sex are messy. This is the stuff of life. To deny us the opportunity to embrace our sexuality is to deny us the human experience." 

Dating tips 

For neurotypicals dating a person with autism:

Don't expect the expected. Sometimes the way a person on the spectrum expresses themselves may look different from everyone else, but even if they are not speaking, they are still communicating with you. 

Drop anvils, not hints. Individuals with autism aren't always able to pick up on subtle hints or cues. We will always be upfront and honest with you, so please be upfront and honest with us.

Don't take it personally. Autistic people often need time alone to "recharge our batteries." This does not mean we don't care about someone or don't want to be around them, but that we need time to process information and the events of the day. It's not personal – it's autism.

For autistic people dating a neurotypical:

Don't come on too strong. It's normal to have strong feelings for someone, but if you've just met, telling someone you really like them puts a lot of pressure on that person. Give it time.

Be yourself. Sometimes when you like someone, you want to do things for them, including changing who you are so they will like you better. This is exhausting, and unfair both to you and to them. Be who you are, because no one else can do that.

Take a break! Take time for yourself and engaging in self-care. If the person you're with tries to make you feel bad for this, they are insecure and do not truly care about you. You deserve better!

Source: Amy Gravino